I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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