I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
