last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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