it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
