this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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