stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
