You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
