I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
