Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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