I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
