I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
