i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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