I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
