This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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