NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
