so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
