I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
