Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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