I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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