Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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