The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
