I love black thongs
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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