My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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