If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
