I'm laying in your front yard are you home
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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