She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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