I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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