can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
