I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
