she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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