i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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