OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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