so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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