Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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