He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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