My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
