never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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