i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
