She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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