I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
