imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Your cock deserves a montage
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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