god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
