Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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