if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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