I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
