Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
