so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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