i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
