I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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