I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
