don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My dick has a subreddit
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
