i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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