Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
